It's been a slow month in America - across major industries, production is down; thousands of jobs are in jeopardy; heck, the GDP is MIA (!). No one knows how far down this rabbit hole will go, and that uncertainty has sent a generation of young people scrambling...to write 25 witty things about their dumb lives!
Oh, Facebook, you had me pegged from the start. Often I sat by the old computer about to get some real work done - having reached a discernible end to my time-wasting activities (including at least nine viewings of the X-Box Bah Lady)...wishing...wanting something more that would allow me to waste the remains of my day. Along came you. You so tender blue like the Atlantic of my youth; you allowing me brag about all the cool Places I've Been; you making me laugh time and again at people who list "Tuesdays With Morrie" among their favorite books; you and your Fun Wall, Super Fun Wall and regular wall that was itself sufficient; your thoughtless gifts masquerading as thoughtful gifts. Glorious, stupid you.
It was Super Fun while it lasted. Unfortunately, the gutter that runs along the road of history is littered with perfect ideas spoiled by imperfect us's: Communism. Hoverboards. Sex without a condom. A second season of John From Cincinnati (don't get me started). In the case of Facebook ('Casebook?' Nah.), the beginning of the end started long ago.
Status updates, dude. Status updates.
To wit. I don't give a flying fuck if you are "hungry for lunch." Do you know how many zeroes and ones it takes to relay that message across the globe? PLENTY. Why in the name of Al Gore would you think for a second about telling your 'friends' this? Are you hoping one of us will step up with a turkey sandwich for you? Because that is not how the Internet works. Side note: I should really get in the zeroes and ones business.
Even worse are the people who think that status updates are the appropriate place to discuss their personal woes. Lately I've seen an upsurge of messages like "John E. Goldberg is sick of all the lies and the bullshit!!!!!" then twelve hours later, "John E. Goldberg is so sorry and ready to rebuild what once was." Then later still, "John E. Goldberg is excited for new things." Um. Hmm. STOP. Dude, I barely know you. And while it is certainly important that you are having very serious marital problems, it is even more important that I be kept out of it. Side note: Maybe the reason you are fighting with your wife is that you POST YOUR PROBLEMS ON FACEBOOK!!! Just a thought.
Another character I hardly know posted a cry for help, something like "Sean O'Malley is wondering if it's all worth it. He's no good to anyone." Great. Kill yourself. Seriously, what am I supposed to do, throw a sheep at you? Turn you into a zombie? We were in chorus together in 9th grade, I don't really feel like that makes saving your life my responsibility. Just tell me where the funeral is, and I will be sure to not make it.
Lately, useless information about people I don't care about has been given a tremendous boost with the random "25 Random Things" thing. For real? One time when you were eighteen you hit a parked car and drove away without leaving a note??? O.M. Motherfuckin' G. Get a life. And stop wasting mine.
The thing is, it's not like I can just ignore these postings. Sometimes I stay on Facebook for hours refreshing the homepage over and over, waiting for new information about my real friends (did I just admit that?). It's part of my process for getting work done. I waste 99% of my day and then pretend that the remaining one percent is the result of much toiling and craftsmanship (To People I Work For - just kidding). But when people I was once acquainted with but are no longer relevant to my existence start adding all these Random Things into the mix, I get overwhelmed. Well, underwhelmed in the sense that they are usually boring/terrible, but overwhelmed by the work it takes to read it all. I cannot stop, so you must. Please.
I am desperate to keep Facebook simple.
I am begging you.
I am Ledgin.