Friday, February 27, 2009

25 Random Things About Memes (Part 2) (The Part Where I Write the Things)

Hmm...this is gonna be awkward. I wrote the 25 things. Is that okay?

Here's what happened. I was getting notes about people's 'things' like four times a day, and then all of a sudden, like the aliens at the end of War of the Worlds, they just inexplicably stopped attacking. No reason given, just something ridiculous about resistance to microbes, which made NO sense and seemed completely lazy. The movie, not the...anyway I hope it's not because I said something along the lines of "please stop sending me dumb things about your dumb life." I was just kiddin', bra!

So here's goes - because a part of me I can't destory missed hearing about people's dumb lives - 25 things about your friendo, me.

1) Before my Bar Mitzvah (JEW!), I sat down next to a stereo and listened to “Slam” by Onyx over and over again, and wrote down the lyrics so I could memorize them and sing the song like a Jewish badass when it came on at my party. I still know it. Just ask.

2) I have trouble watching people brush their teeth, or seeing anything scrape against teeth. Even writing this makes me uncomfortable. Stop it, you gross mouth bones!

3) The first time I got drunk I was home alone. I wanted to make sure I could "handle myself," so I poured a huge glass of Chivas Regal, held my nose, and downed it. I could not "handle myself."

4) I shot a machine gun once. I completely destroyed a mound of dirt.

5) I may or may not be on the terrorist watch list. On a flight to D.C. I was drawing a poster of a stick figure using a stick gun to kill stick figure Bin Laden. It was for a movie and I was using magic markers, but the crew reported the incident, and later admitted to me that "it didn't help that I'm kind of brown." True story.

6) In 1996 I wore a leather vest, dance shoes, and bellbottom tights for my high school production of Pippen. It was totally worth it.

7) I was banned from The Grove in for six months. It had nothing to do with being kind of brown.

8) I have a mini Dachshund named Pickles. She’s lived with me on and off for four years. When we were in San Francisco she used to pee every day on the steps in front of the building I was living in. I feigned ignorance, but honestly, I knew it was happening. One day the upstairs neighbor totally confronted me and was like “Dude, is that all dried piss? That’s DISGUSTING. Seriously WTF?” And I was like “Is THAT what that is? I guess it must have been my dog! Man, I can't believe that!” It was a pretty low moment for me.

9) When I first saw Al Gore in person he was telling a story and saying “And she says ‘That’s MY f**king job!’” He didn’t use stars. He said ‘fucking.’

10) Dr. Phil tried to have me arrested over the phone. He was well within his right.

11) Writing all these down I'm feeling pretty low about my ridiculous run-ins with the law. Maybe I should change my stupid ways.

12) I have a rough beard.

13) I like to dance at concerts. Like a goddamn mad man.

14) I have a man crush on Dax Shepard. He’s so underrated!

15) In Israel I was camping in the desert and I ran over a hill at night to pee. I ran right into a barbed wire fence.

16) I don’t like wearing pants at home, and I can’t understand why anyone would. They're just to stop the rest of the world from seeing your privates.

17) The one thing I cannot stand in people in double standards. For example I am always late, but will never get mad at others for being late. Isn’t that cool of me?

18) I'm a b-boy Standin in my b-boy stance Hurry up and give me the microphone before I bust in my pants The mad author of anguish My language, Polluted Onyx is heavyweight (And still undisputed!) See, I told you I still knew it.

19) Sometimes, when I'm listening to music and I know someone's about to come into the room, I actually change the song to make it seem like I was listening to something cooler. Often the first song was Dave Matthews.

20) Once in a while I get an idea and convince myself that if I had the know-how to bring it to fruition I would be rich. This week, my idea is a ringtone where Beyonce sings "If you like it then you should have made a ringtone of it!" Anyone know how to make a ringtone? Anyone know how to make a ringtone and you are also friends with Beyonce Knowles?

21) I went on a couple of dates with a girl that had gone to Columbine High School during the shootings there. I found that incredibly distracting. We'd be getting romantic and she'd say, "Why don't we finish these drinks and go into the bedroom" and then whisper in my ear what was gonna happen in the bedroom, and I'd say "So were they like, outcasts??"

22) Amy Fisher went to my high school. For some reason I still tell people that every time they ask where I'm from. It's so not a brag.

23) I find that 99% of the time I'm listening to someone I am waiting for my turn to talk. I'm really working on upping that to 100%. Do one thing, and do it better than anyone - that's what Orville Redenbacher says. Or his grandfather said. Or...maybe I should start listening more.

24) I have integrated "Bah" into my vocabulary. Find out why here:

25) I am an excellent liar. In fact, none of these above things are even remotely true (!). Yes, actually they are all true. Nah, just some. Nope, ALL! See how good I am? The world is lucky I have chosen to use my powers for good.

I am a giver.

I am a random-thing-sayer.

I am Ledgin.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Eye Phone

When I first got an iPhone, I justified it by arguing "I'm condensing two devices into one!" The only time I use the word "device" is when I am convincing myself to buy something. I quickly realized that the real reason for having an iPhone is that it's easy to disguise yourself to a stranger as a douche bag typing away on your phone when REALLY you are a douche bag taking a photo of that stranger so you can post in on the World Wide Webby. Here are some photos I took of strangers I thought were weird and/or dumb-looking:

I caught surfer Nick Nolte in a deep sleep at the public library in L.A. Is there anything not hilarious about this guy? Does he honestly expect us to believe he got six hundred, ninety-nine pages into "The Star Wars Trilogy" and then thought "OMG, the Emperor is about to KILL Luke Skywalker!!! I could reeeally use a nap." Also, are those by any chance PIANO KEYS on your socks??? Spolier alert: they are!

You know what would really bring this outfit together? A completely different outfit. I am such a bitch!

This, in my opinion, seemed a little disrespectful. Who would cut George Washington's arms off? The man is a hero in the Jewish community.

Do you get it? Hit me up in the comments section if you get it. I'll give you a, that would give it away.

Love means never having to say "Do you mind if I rest my iPod Touch portrait-style on the spacey Indian muumuu covering your tremendous bosom and watch '30 Rock' while we share a set of ear buds and I try desperately to avoid crushing the person who got stuck with a window seat in our aisle." I wish I had this kind of joy in my life. I usually watch '30 Rock' alone. :(

I am available for hire as a photo-journalist.

I am Ledgin.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

25 Random Things About Memes

It's been a slow month in America - across major industries, production is down; thousands of jobs are in jeopardy; heck, the GDP is MIA (!). No one knows how far down this rabbit hole will go, and that uncertainty has sent a generation of young people write 25 witty things about their dumb lives!

Oh, Facebook, you had me pegged from the start. Often I sat by the old computer about to get some real work done - having reached a discernible end to my time-wasting activities (including at least nine viewings of the X-Box Bah Lady)...wishing...wanting something more that would allow me to waste the remains of my day. Along came you. You so tender blue like the Atlantic of my youth; you allowing me brag about all the cool Places I've Been; you making me laugh time and again at people who list "Tuesdays With Morrie" among their favorite books; you and your Fun Wall, Super Fun Wall and regular wall that was itself sufficient; your thoughtless gifts masquerading as thoughtful gifts. Glorious, stupid you.

It was Super Fun while it lasted. Unfortunately, the gutter that runs along the road of history is littered with perfect ideas spoiled by imperfect us's: Communism. Hoverboards. Sex without a condom. A second season of John From Cincinnati (don't get me started). In the case of Facebook ('Casebook?' Nah.), the beginning of the end started long ago.

Status updates, dude. Status updates.

To wit. I don't give a flying fuck if you are "hungry for lunch." Do you know how many zeroes and ones it takes to relay that message across the globe? PLENTY. Why in the name of Al Gore would you think for a second about telling your 'friends' this? Are you hoping one of us will step up with a turkey sandwich for you? Because that is not how the Internet works. Side note: I should really get in the zeroes and ones business.

Even worse are the people who think that status updates are the appropriate place to discuss their personal woes. Lately I've seen an upsurge of messages like "John E. Goldberg is sick of all the lies and the bullshit!!!!!" then twelve hours later, "John E. Goldberg is so sorry and ready to rebuild what once was." Then later still, "John E. Goldberg is excited for new things." Um. Hmm. STOP. Dude, I barely know you. And while it is certainly important that you are having very serious marital problems, it is even more important that I be kept out of it. Side note: Maybe the reason you are fighting with your wife is that you POST YOUR PROBLEMS ON FACEBOOK!!! Just a thought.

Another character I hardly know posted a cry for help, something like "Sean O'Malley is wondering if it's all worth it. He's no good to anyone." Great. Kill yourself. Seriously, what am I supposed to do, throw a sheep at you? Turn you into a zombie? We were in chorus together in 9th grade, I don't really feel like that makes saving your life my responsibility. Just tell me where the funeral is, and I will be sure to not make it.

Lately, useless information about people I don't care about has been given a tremendous boost with the random "25 Random Things" thing. For real? One time when you were eighteen you hit a parked car and drove away without leaving a note??? O.M. Motherfuckin' G. Get a life. And stop wasting mine.

The thing is, it's not like I can just ignore these postings. Sometimes I stay on Facebook for hours refreshing the homepage over and over, waiting for new information about my real friends (did I just admit that?). It's part of my process for getting work done. I waste 99% of my day and then pretend that the remaining one percent is the result of much toiling and craftsmanship (To People I Work For - just kidding). But when people I was once acquainted with but are no longer relevant to my existence start adding all these Random Things into the mix, I get overwhelmed. Well, underwhelmed in the sense that they are usually boring/terrible, but overwhelmed by the work it takes to read it all. I cannot stop, so you must. Please.

I am desperate to keep Facebook simple.

I am begging you.

I am Ledgin.