Monday, March 30, 2009

Biting the Delicious Hand That Feeds You

Let me read you a few headlines/excerpts from real news articles I've come across.

Man Killed by Pet Spider:
"His black widow, Bettina, is believed to have administered the deadly bite."


Woman killed by pet 13-foot python:
"Police said the 25-year-old woman died from asphyxiation. They found the python in the bedroom and described it as agitated."

Hmm. Agitated. Alright.

Family Blown Up by Domesticated Ticking Time Bomb:
"Their father insisted the ticking was just the bomb's way of expressing love."

Oh wait. I made that last one up.

Why is it news when peopl
e's deadly animal pets kill them? As far as I am concerned, the minute you decided you are going to make 'friends' with a 13-foot python, every moment you are alive is news - not the part where the man-eating reptile eats a man.

The real shocker here is that in most of these cases, the offending animal is punished for doing what's natural. Take the chimp who recently (tragically) mauled the best friend of a woman who "raised the chimp as her own son." That's what a bunch of different articles said. "Raised the chimp as her own son." Um. WHAT? In my house, I have a chainsaw. I love this chainsaw. I've had it since it was a brand new chainsaw - I store in in a cool, dry place, and whenever it's needed, I oil it and give it proper maintenance. If I ever put the chainsaw next to my friend's face and turn the power on, it is going to rip my friend's face into a million pieces. BUT WHY WOULD IT DO THAT AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR IT? Oh, because it's a chainsaw. Not my son. And one thing I forgot to mention. I don't really own a chainsaw. Because those things are dangerous killers.

Recently I was watching a report on that awful chimp story that included an audio clip of the 9-1-1 call, and this part struck me as utterly confusing.

She says "My chimpanzee!" like having one is the most natural thing in the world. As if the dispatch guy is not supposed to be like "You have a chimpanzee in your house?! WHAT? WHY?!!" Who the fuck do we think we are? Chimps rip faces off. That's what they do. Don't expect them to change because you designed your condo with a soft color palette.

It's like that fable about the scorpion and the frog. The frog lets the scorpion ride on his back to cross the river, and the scorpion stings him anyway, drowning them both, because he says it's in his nature. The only difference here is that in that story, it made sense for the frog to trust the scorpion. There is no reason to believe a black widow will feel like it "needs you" in any way. If you do, you are dumber than a fictional frog. Congratulations.

I love this line in the python story. "They found the python in the bedroom and described it as agitated." How about, "they described it as a python." That's enough to scare the shit out of me. And it should have been enough for this lady. No offense.

I am fondly remembering Steve Irwin as I write this.

I am feeling guilty for laughing at that clip.

I am Ledgin.

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