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Hmm...this is gonna be awkward. I wrote the 25 things. Is that okay?
Here's what happened. I was getting notes about people's 'things' like four times a day, and then all of a sudden, like the aliens at the end of War of the Worlds, they just inexplicably stopped attacking. No reason given, just something ridiculous about resistance to microbes, which made NO sense and seemed completely lazy. The movie, not the...anyway I hope it's not because I said something along the lines of "please stop sending me dumb things about your dumb life." I was just kiddin', bra!
So here's goes - because a part of me I can't destory missed hearing about people's dumb lives - 25 things about your friendo, me.
1) Before my Bar Mitzvah (JEW!), I sat down next to a stereo and listened to “Slam” by Onyx over and over again, and wrote down the lyrics so I could memorize them and sing the song like a Jewish badass when it came on at my party. I still know it. Just ask.
2) I have trouble watching people brush their teeth, or seeing anything scrape against teeth. Even writing this makes me uncomfortable. Stop it, you gross mouth bones!
3) The first time I got drunk I was home alone. I wanted to make sure I could "handle myself," so I poured a huge glass of Chivas Regal, held my nose, and downed it. I could not "handle myself."
4) I shot a machine gun once. I completely destroyed a mound of dirt.
5) I may or may not be on the terrorist watch list. On a flight to D.C. I was drawing a poster of a stick figure using a stick gun to kill stick figure Bin Laden. It was for a movie and I was using magic markers, but the crew reported the incident, and later admitted to me that "it didn't help that I'm kind of brown." True story.
6) In 1996 I wore a leather vest, dance shoes, and bellbottom tights for my high school production of Pippen. It was totally worth it.
7) I was banned from The Grove in for six months. It had nothing to do with being kind of brown.
8) I have a mini Dachshund named Pickles. She’s lived with me on and off for four years. When we were in San Francisco she used to pee every day on the steps in front of the building I was living in. I feigned ignorance, but honestly, I knew it was happening. One day the upstairs neighbor totally confronted me and was like “Dude, is that all dried piss? That’s DISGUSTING. Seriously WTF?” And I was like “Is THAT what that is? I guess it must have been my dog! Man, I can't believe that!” It was a pretty low moment for me.
9) When I first saw Al Gore in person he was telling a story and saying “And she says ‘That’s MY f**king job!’” He didn’t use stars. He said ‘fucking.’
10) Dr. Phil tried to have me arrested over the phone. He was well within his right.
11) Writing all these down I'm feeling pretty low about my ridiculous run-ins with the law. Maybe I should change my stupid ways.
12) I have a rough beard.
13) I like to dance at concerts. Like a goddamn mad man.
14) I have a man crush on Dax Shepard. He’s so underrated!
15) In Israel I was camping in the desert and I ran over a hill at night to pee. I ran right into a barbed wire fence.
16) I don’t like wearing pants at home, and I can’t understand why anyone would. They're just to stop the rest of the world from seeing your privates.
17) The one thing I cannot stand in people in double standards. For example I am always late, but will never get mad at others for being late. Isn’t that cool of me?
18) I'm a b-boy Standin in my b-boy stance Hurry up and give me the microphone before I bust in my pants The mad author of anguish My language, Polluted Onyx is heavyweight (And still undisputed!) See, I told you I still knew it.
19) Sometimes, when I'm listening to music and I know someone's about to come into the room, I actually change the song to make it seem like I was listening to something cooler. Often the first song was Dave Matthews.
20) Once in a while I get an idea and convince myself that if I had the know-how to bring it to fruition I would be rich. This week, my idea is a ringtone where Beyonce sings "If you like it then you should have made a ringtone of it!" Anyone know how to make a ringtone? Anyone know how to make a ringtone and you are also friends with Beyonce Knowles?
21) I went on a couple of dates with a girl that had gone to Columbine High School during the shootings there. I found that incredibly distracting. We'd be getting romantic and she'd say, "Why don't we finish these drinks and go into the bedroom" and then whisper in my ear what was gonna happen in the bedroom, and I'd say "So were they like, outcasts??"
22) Amy Fisher went to my high school. For some reason I still tell people that every time they ask where I'm from. It's so not a brag.
23) I find that 99% of the time I'm listening to someone I am waiting for my turn to talk. I'm really working on upping that to 100%. Do one thing, and do it better than anyone - that's what Orville Redenbacher says. Or his grandfather said. Or...maybe I should start listening more.
24) I have integrated "Bah" into my vocabulary. Find out why here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9CK37sqoz0
25) I am an excellent liar. In fact, none of these above things are even remotely true (!). Yes, actually they are all true. Nah, just some. Nope, ALL! See how good I am? The world is lucky I have chosen to use my powers for good.
I am a giver.
I am a random-thing-sayer.
I am Ledgin.
OMG the terrorist watch list thing you must tell me about.... and the Dr. Phil thing!! I may try to one-up you and get Dr. Phil to actually have me arrested. Although who wins there, me or you? Probably not me.
ReplyDeleteI too constantly wait for my turn to talk. I see the pattern.
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